Stinker Madness - The Bad Movie Podcast

To the disheartening of many fans of the book series, men in ties decide to make a dragon movie without any dragons in it and decide the story is too confusing so they just remade Star Wars. Beware the powers of the dark side of jelly beans! If you're like us and have never read the Eragon book series, then you'll arguably have less problems with the divergence (that wasn't an accident) of the source material from the pre-teen books to this flaming pile of nonsense. It's a necessary position to look at the 2006 film objectively. We don't know the back story and the subtle elements of the world that this takes place in (if there are any) so don't come at us, bro! And in any situation, none of that should matter - because Eragon the movie, at least, doesn't suffer from it's abandonment from the source material - it suffers from the direct theft of OTHER source material. It's just Star Wars gang. Which may seem like an oversimplification of the standard "epic" format of storytelling, ie. Star Wars, Gilgamesh, LOTR,  The Iliad and The Odyssey, et. al. we can show you that it is a direct case of intellectual property theft or the great scene heist of 2006. Perhaps the writing team called in Danny Ocean... A trusted member of a high-order of wizards murders and betrays his fellows to gain ultimate and dark power An orphaned boy is sent to live with his uncle on a farm because of a past as yet untold to him The boy comes into possession of a valuable item the evil wizard wants to reclaim The boy finds information out about the item by speaking to a good wizard whose neighbors see him to a be a weirdo The good wizards also has a secret past that he doesn't want to reveal to the neighbors The evil wizard sends out his troops to capture the item and murder the boy and anyone helping him The boy returns home to find that his uncle has been murdered by the troops The boy is left with no option but to follow a friendly wizard on a quest to save the universe The wizard explains to boy that in order to save the universe they must get the item of value to a group of rebels Along the way the boy must learn the ways of a mysterious energy that gives him powers The evil wizard captures the boy's friend in order to trap the boy and prevent him from finishing his training The boy is told by his mentor wizard that its a trap and the boy ignores him and knowingly falls into the trap The boy escapes the trap after a serious loss of a friend with the help of a stranger who must redeem himself from his ties to the evil empire The friend who is lost during the trap episode is encased in an unbreakable material formed by temperature extremes The boy and his team find the rebel base, but also lead the evil wizard to their location as well The boy suits up and climbs aboard his flying machine to fight off the incoming attackers In order to defeat the attackers, the boy must stop relying on his enhanced vision and trust his senses There is also a secret past to the boy's father and his relationship to the female character (who is a princess) and how their sexual tension might be icky later There you go. 18 points of direct copying of Star Wars. Try to argue that against us kids. In the end, Eragon isn't a great bad movie, but it's uncanny rip-off of that space wizards movie makes it a great time for riffing. So it's a do.

It's been four wonderful years of bringing you the greatest bad and cult films, all while having some pretty important discussions on craft and farts with plenty of laughs along the way. This episode we recap our favorite movies we watched in the previous year of podcasting. Each host catalogs their top ten and hope that you can find some extra time to watch each and every one of these movies.

It's been four wonderful years of bringing you the greatest bad and cult films, all while having some pretty important discussions on craft and farts with plenty of laughs along the way. This episode we recap our favorite movies we watched in the previous year of podcasting. Each host catalogs their top ten and hope that you can find some extra time to watch each and every one of these movies. This episode we recap our top 10-5 choices.

Somehow we've managed to stay clear of Linda Blair, which is strange because she's very easy to bump into. Here she's showcasing the gals, while running a gang of gals, and find revenge (eventually) after taking an hour and fifteen minutes to be pushed over the edge. Somehow Savage Streets manages to be a mashup of about every 80's budget genre. It's a slasher, a sex-romp, a revenge jobber, and a roller-skating boogie in the vein of Grease. Yet it manages to miss being a Romeo & Juliet, a vigilante justice story and Dangerous Minds. It's pretty bizarre in how much territory it covers while failing to get to the plot for one hour. Somehow we've managed to stay clear of Linda Blair, which is strange because she's very easy to bump into. Here she's showcasing the gals, while running a gang of gals, and find revenge (eventually) after taking an hour and fifteen minutes to be pushed over the edge. Somehow Savage Streets manages to be a mashup of about every 80's budget genre. It's a slasher, a sex-romp, a revenge jobber, and a roller-skating boogie in the vein of Grease. Yet it manages to miss being a Romeo & Juliet, a vigilante justice story and Dangerous Minds. It's pretty bizarre in how much territory it covers while failing to get to the plot for one hour. Boobs. Wow. Lots and lots. This high school that Linda Blair's Brenda attends must have some rigorous testing for enrollment. You must be: Over 20 years old Have double-ds Huge hair Enjoy fighting naked Have little regard for the rules (that arguably don't exist) It takes quite a while to get going and once it does, boy howdy, but the front hour is a pretty solid riffer. We'd say that it's good for any midnight movie and especially good for a group of lampooners. So not spectacular but still a solid "do" from us.  There is a disclaimer - there is a scene of rape that is especially difficult to get through, but fairly necessary to get to the plot. Grab a copy of Justin's novel - The Golden Right - free this week for Kindle Readers

The film that finally puts two things together that no one asked for, no previous commonality, no established universe, no real similarities, and no capability of accomplishing something someone might label "good". Cartoons and basketball just don't go together. Hot off the success of Roger Rabbit, well ok, not hot off. More like many years later....someone decided to mashup our reality with the physics defying world of Bugs Bunny. Now that possibly could have worked, if they had chosen to focus on that. But Space Jam focuses on the life and times of Michael Jordan, which has nothing to do with cartoons. Nothing. So the Looney Tunes take a back seat to MJ. Sure he's the greatest (LeBron?) but he's not what is putting butts in seats here. Otherwise you'd just have a film starring Michael Jordan. Come on... Beyond the idiocy that is the concept, the film is garbage. The most fatal flaw that Warner Bros. committed here is that they thought people came for Looney Tunes because of Bugs, Daffy, and Yosemite. Little did they understand, those characters were just the delivery vehicle for the shear brilliance that was Chuck Jones and Mel Blanc. THOSE guys are why we came. Proof required? Try watching a Merry Melodies after a Looney Tunes. Without Chuck Jones and Mel Blanc the WB crew is just another bland unmemorable troop of talking critters. The voice acting sucks, the animation sucks, the jokes suck, everything sucks. Pick up a copy of Justin's novel. The Golden Right on Amazon Prime

People that make TV shows, write a script in 72 hours while blasting through piles of cocaine, that showcases their complete lack of knowledge about making TV shows. It's Rip v Zeus in The Battle of the Tough Guys that can only end in one way.... murder! Nothing can describe the (at that time) WWF in the late 80s like No Holds Barred. Hulk is the #1 guy in the phony man-fighting and his entire schtick is on display here. There's no difference between the character of Rip and Hulk Hogan. Imagine a film called "Morgue Work" starring The Undertaker who's character name is Mortician Jim. Rip loves the kids, he loves his family and he loves making snorting sounds....just like Hulk Hogan. Which leads me to believe that Terry Hogan had more to do with writing this POS then Vince McMahon. I like to envision Terry writing in crayon in a furor while McMahon murders prostitutes in the corner. Vince (covered in blood): Terry, you need any help over there? I've run out of prostitutes to murder. I could help out for a bit. Terry makes inaudible, guttural snarling and smashes crayons into his hand. There's plenty of bad plot elements, snarling and snarfing, a complete lack of lines for Zeus Lister, some heavy sexual harassment in the workplace, Neil Breen levels of sexiness, murder!, and general insanity.  It's a pretty landmark bad movie and should be watched at the earliest opportunity by people not getting choke-slammed.

Despite its satirical nature and heavy social commentary, The Running Man drops the ball (or the hockey puck) before the goal and trips into the net, bashes into the goalpost, gets the ball stuck in its facemask, and suffers multiple self-inflicted concussions. Well...at least it didn't murder it's ex-wife and her lover. WHOA!! TOO SOON! 1987's The Running Man is one of those "oh, so close" to being good films, but as we see time and time again, men in ties get in the way and say "We gotta ham this up! We got Arnold so its has to be stupid, right?" There is just enough left of Stephen King's novella in here that you feel like you should be able to see past the caricature of entertainment and find meaning in its messages. Time for some deep reflection, right? Well no. Time to slap your forehead in missed opportunity grief. Its still a fun stinker, and it's unintended wackiness leaves the viewer with more joy than grief. Do NOT misunderstand though, this is NOT Commando. There is a level of tedium within and for its ridiculous nature is a little empty in content here and there. There is lots of sequences of...well...running. Running, running, running, explosion, new stalker, running, running, running, the resistance, running, running, explosion, repeat. All and all a good time, but missed opportunities (both in quality and stinkiness) keep this one out of the pantheon of crummy action/sci-fi movies. 

38 Metacritic, 39% Rotten Tomatoes, 35% domestic returns, universally panned by all, a terrible idea that could never make money and its one of the best films we've reviewed. If you haven't seen Speed Racer, you are blowing it. DISCLAIMER: Speed Racer is in NO possible way a stinker (other than it's reputation). It's absolutely crack for your eyeballs. It's pulse-pounding racing action and over-the-top fun, all while being genuinely funny, well told, competently acted and a great tale. At the very least, it should have won Oscar gold for special effects, editing, sound design, production design, and cinematography. So don't expect much lampooning here. So here we shall discuss why it makes it on the podcast. Its because its Speed Racer. No one cares. No one wants to care. It falls into the same bad idea category of (the deplorable) Jem and the Holigrams and (the BRILLIANT) Blade Runner 2049. You cannot make your money back, no matter how well you make the film. There just isn't a big enough fan base to capture the attention of the movie masses and have success. It's impossible! Then you've got the Wachowskis. They've got The Matrix in their stable of quality films, but they've just come out of The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revalations which BOTH are horrible, awful, crap. So they are not real popular with the critics and general film audience at the time. Ie. See backlash of George Lucas by his own fanbase for "Greedo Shoots First" and "Are you an angel?". It doesn't matter what you made before, you now stink. So they went in expecting crap and then seeing it as crap and then piled on the negative reviews on an exquisite film because they wouldn't take the time to "get it".  They just didn't get it and if you've avoided Speed Racer because you didn't get it (we are guilty too) you are making a massive mistake and missing out on one of the most underrated movies in history. It's spectacular.

When you need the toughest of tough guys to play your super agent and lone wolf defender of justice, get that Achy Breaky Heart guy. No man has ever been tougher! But make sure his girlfriend is the one that is the most "radical". Here's the end result of Radical Jack; Jack is NOT radical, in fact. His most penultimate "action" move to hide under a bed. Not kidding. The film spends the first 3/4 telling us how tough Jack is, what with his smoldering gazes, his Ray-Ban shades, his supreme mullet, his "Renegade" Jeep, his barb-wire tattoo and such. Then we learn he's just not tough at all as he fails to be the catalyst and executor of the climax. It's DeeDee Pfeiffer who is indeed the radical one. "Radical Kate" should be the title of the film. We just can't understate how poorly put together Radical Jack is. Nothing makes sense, timelines don't add up, Jack builds a shed with no doors, Asahi Guy...on and on and indescribable stupidity abound. This is complemented by it's perfect pacing for lampooning. Get the group together and prepare to have pants filled with pee from laughter. It's like surgery - best that you evacuate before starting. Despite how awful you think this may look, what with the Billy Ray and all, Radical Jack is an absolute must-do. It's that type of stinker that truly is for everyone. Imagine life without "The Room" and having to try to get your classy friends to start enjoying the perks of crappy movies. Radical Jack is your gateway stinker.  One hit of the Jack and you'll be back! (Copyright!)

Neil Breen is back in his directorial debut with this week's trip into the mind of a crazy person. He stars as a double-agent, elite mercenary, computer hacker/security expert, bio-terrorist, cyborg, assassin/vigilante, and just a simple man. It's a Neil showcase into baffling story-telling, yet again. While Double Down is not near the production that Fateful Findings is, it is still an exceptionally bonkers movie. Nothing makes a lick of sense. It's the type of film that leaves you wondering what the hell is going on throughout. While we have a likely infallible theory on what happens, you'll have to listen to show to find out. There are some things to know going into this that may make it hard for some listeners and lovers of bad film. About 25% of the film is stock photography. That is A LOT. Another 25% is narration by Breen sometimes over the stock shots and sometimes while he rolls around in dirt in the desert. But let's face it, you're not coming into a Neil Breen movie because you are looking for excitement. You're here for the nonsense and this delivers that in heaps and heaps of bananas. Double Down is a definite do, but it's recommended you start with Fateful Findings first. This is for the advanced class. Some things to keep an eye out for: Neil Breen's take on the action star (gently climbing over rocks with difficulty), his technological setup to control the entire world (out of the back of his Mercedes), his balls and his sexual assault on an actress who doesn't want to be there (yes Breen balls), a Canadian Tuxedo as formal military attire, and necrophilia.

Once again, we find ourselves "going into the internet" with the incredible speeds of a 28.8k connection. Yet the overt difference here is that there is a wet-t-shirt contest and a mash-up of snowboarder, 'alt' and irreverent fashion trends. It's the clear road-map of not understanding computers, the internet or anyone who surrounded themselves with both of those things. Yipes! Hackers were never cool. They were never edgy or trendy or care about anything but computers. We were computer nerds in 1995. We only cared about putting Duke Nukem 3D on as many computers as we could find. The characterization of this film is so far from reality and its disconnect from what was actually going on that it's just unfathomable. That's even before we determine how much we hate the characters themselves.... Then there is the complete lack of knowledge of computers themselves. It fits perfectly in with Johnny Mnemonic and The Lawnmower Man in its ineptitude and complete lack of asking someone ANYTHING about computers just one time. However, within the former there is a lot more action that isn't computer-related and the latter has a good sci-fi story buried underneath it's awful film-making and lack of editing. Hackers reigns surpreme in its stupidity. In the end it's a pretty rough viewing experience and we can only recommend it to a niche market: You saw it and thought it was good  You know how dumb it is and you want to share how dumb it is with one of your friends; cuz you're a dick.

A group of trash vampires waste their immortality so that they can focus on their location-rotating fight club that has less rules than Tyler Durden's. The only thing that can stop them - horrible karate, bullet dodging DEA agents, and post-production effects that are just the presets in Adobe Premiere. Yuck! Let's get out the disclaimer on this one - it's extremely budget and put together by people who have no experience in film, but hey! They got it done, right? They got their movie finished. So we'll give them that. The rest of the film though, good night. This is one to steer VERY far away from, fam. It's not necessarily the acting or the "story" or the horrendously bad karate that is the problem. It's the over-editing and after-effects (trademark Adobe), mixed in with the wall-to-wall Nu-Metal. Within 5 minutes, I would argue that 80% of our fandom would abort this within 5 minutes due to it's awful design. There is also a particular sex-scene that is less sexy than Tommy Wiseau's ass. It's vomit-inducing if you don't like watching ugly people do it. I'm sure they are nice people, but holy hell.... Now, there are some good things sprinkled here and there within. The karate is hilariously bad, the "plot" does move rapidly, and there's some pretty cringe-worthy acting. The plot is unfounded and easily puts these vampires in a bracket of cool below the cave-dwelling dirtballs in John Carpenter's Vampires. We have to give this one a do not. 

The hottest awards for bad films in 2017 are here and the winners are all set. Listen to the 2017 SMABFA Podcast and check out all the nominees and winners below. And the Nominees  & Winners are (winner in bold): Best Bad Movie - The Most Enjoyable Bad Movie Geostorm The Great Wall XXX: Return of Xander Cage The Space Between Us Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets Fan Poll Result - Rings Worst Bad Movie - The Least Enjoyable Bad Movie Transformers: The Last Knight The Mummy Collateral Beauty The Snowman Underworld: Blood Wars Fan Poll Result - Transformers: The Last Knight Best Bad Actor - Most Enjoyable Performance by a Male Actor Gerard Butler - Geostorm Ice Cube - XXX: Return of Xander Cage Matt Damon - The Great Wall Michael Fassbender - The Snowman Russell Crowe – The Mummy Fan Poll Result - Russell Crowe - The Mummy Best Bad Actress - Most Enjoyable Performance by a Female Actor Abbie Cornish - Geostorm Tian Jing - The Great Wall Milla Jovovovich - Resident Evil: The Final Chapter Nina Dobrev - XXX: Return of Xander Cage Ellen Page - Flatliners Fan Poll Result - Abbie Cornish - Geostorm MST3K Most Riffable - The easiest and most fun to make fun of film while viewing Geostorm The Great Wall Fifty Shades Darker The Space Between Us The Dark Tower Fan Poll Result - Geostorm Worst Bad Actor - Least Enjoyable Performance by a Male Actor Tom Cruise - The Mummy Will Smith - Collateral Beauty Ethan Hawke - Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets John Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Dane DeHaan - Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets Fan Poll Result - Tom Cruise - The Mummy Worst Bad Actress - Least Enjoyable Performance by a Female Actor Sofia Boutella - The Mummy Rhianna - Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets Keira Knightly - Collateral Beauty Helen Mirren - Collateral Beauty Kim Basinger – Fifty Shades Darker Fan Poll Result - Sofia Boutella - The Mummy

It was Schwaz' first box office flop and put up the current standard of spending way too much money on film marketing. It ranks high upon the worst returns of all film history. Yet there is a good film here and could have been a hidden gem -- had it not been for Danny and coming into "our world." You may be among the hordes who avoided Last Action Hero. You should reconsider. It has that stigma of being a horrible film, but if you're a fan of this podcast then you will understand why we put it upon such a high platform with Hell Comes to Frogtown, Joe Vs The Volcano and UHF. While Joe is a far superior production and Hell is a far more efficient production, Last falls into bad movie legend with incredible amounts of money thrown at it, while clearly only going to work with a very small amount of movie goers. It's your classic case of men in ties making horrible decisions. The primary mistakes the film puts upon its audience is the snivelly Danny (Austin O'Brien). It's not that Austin does a bad job (it's not good either) as a child actor (we've seen FAR worse, looking at you Jake Lloyd), it's just that Danny sucks. This is the last character you want to see in an over-the-top action movie, the whiny child who isn't having fun with us. THEN there is the always awful choice of bringing your fantasy characters through a magic portal into our reality. Our reality sucks. We don't want to be here, and we especially don't want the movie we are escaping our reality from coming into it. Blech.  Yet every single minute that takes place inside Jack Slater's (Arnold) movie fantasy world is a treat. It's non-stop homage/satire/creation of action films and the characters within them. The stunts are fantastic, the self-deprecating comedy is top-notch, and as always, Arnold delivers non-stop fun and charm.  Last Action Hero is one our favorite movies and rides that beautiful line between crap and brilliance. Must watch film. The SMABFA (Stinker Madness Achievments in Bad Film-Making Award) Awards - 2017 Nominations Best Bad Movie The Great Wall Geostorm Rings XXX: Return of Xander Cage The Snowman The Dark Tower The Space Between Us Valerian King Arthur: Legend of the Sword Worst Bad Movie The Mummy Collateral Beauty Transformers: The Last Knight The Snowman Resident Evil: The Final Chapter Geostorm Flatliners Underworld: Blood Wars Fifty Shades Darker Best Bad Actor Gerard Butler - Geostorm Matt Damon - The Great Wall Shawn Roberts - Resident Evil: The Final Chapter Vincent D'Onofrio - Rings Michael Fassbender - The Snowman Sam Worthington - The Shack Javier Bardem - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Ice Cube – XXX: Return of Xander Cage Russell Crow – The Mummy Idris Elba - The Dark Tower Tom Cruise - The Mummy Worst Bad Actor Dane DeHaan - Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets Tom Cruise - The Mummy Will Smith - Collateral Beauty John Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Ethan Hawke - Valerian Val Kilmer – Snowman Jim Sturgess – Geostorm Javier Bardem - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Jamie Dornan - Fifty Shades Darker Vin Diesel - XXX: Return of Xander Cage Matt Damon - The Great Wall Best Bad Actress Astrid Bergès-Frisbey - King Arthur: Legend of the Sword Nina Dobrev - XXX: Return of Xander Cage Milla Jovovovich - Resident Evil: The Final Chapter Tian Jing - The Great Wall Octavia Spencer - The Shack Kate Beckinsale - Underworld Rihanna - Valerian Britt Robertson - The Space Between Us Abbie Cornish: Geostorm Toni Collette - XXX: Return of Xander Cage Deepika Padukone - XXX: Return of Xander Cage Rebecca Ferguson -The Snowman Ellen Page - Flatliners Worst Bad Actress Sofia Boutella - The Mummy Kate Winslet - Collateral Beauty Helen Mirren - Collateral Beauty Dakota Johnson - Fifty Shades Darker Sofia Boutella - The Mummy Mila Jovovich - Resident Evil Keira Knightly - Collateral Beauty Nina Dobrev - XXX: Return of Xander Cage Kim Basinger – Fifty Shades Darker Laura Haddock – Transformers: The Last Knight Rhianna - Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets MS

Dennis Rodman returns in the form of a bumble-bee to plant the foundation of the XXX squad, by making Dane Cook the CEO. Its truly in the list of worst action movies ever made and could be the gold standard for enjoyably dumb action movies...if it wasn't for Dane Cook. Dane Cook blows. You know this, so we aren't going to devote time here to review his schtick - what will do instead is warn you that he is truly at his least formed here, with the most "punch me" act ever captured on celluloid. He's worse than Jar Jar.  Now the good - it's WAY OVER THE TOP in the action department. Imagine Jackie Chan kung-fu and stunts but performed on screen by people who should be hot dog vendors. Then tack all that on top of Pumaman level of rear projection effects. It's outlandishly fun when you aren't staring down the barrel of an unloaded Dane Cook. He blocks your vision from the good. Then there is the plot of the film - an oblivious double kidnapping pit the fathers of said kids into a series of scheduling conflicts and interference by Simon's (Rodman) team who have no clue what is even going on. Somehow there is a colonel, a laser that can't work, a villain who may be the reincarnation of Jerry Lewis and thinks the Microsoft Office Paper Clip is the bomb. So imagine a XXX/Pumaman mashup with no talent, yes less talent than Pumaman. It's so close to brilliance, but sadly in the end the "comedy" troupe here drops it down by three stars to just a barely do.