Stinker Madness - The Bad Movie Podcast

In what appears to be a Predator version of a bar-mitzvah, Captain Murtaugh has to scratch his head and whisper to himself about things he sees in front of him to stop a bunch of gang-members with mega-guns and voodoo powers from getting their spines ripped out. Oh! AND Bill Paxton! A movie with a 8 foot tall alien who rips people's spines out, Danny Glover, Bill Paxton and Gary Busey sounds like about the hottest thing that's ever existed. Sign me the hell up and lets get stupid! Well hold on, kiddies. You've got the most destructive group in film you still have to account for. No, not The Asylum. The MFing MPAA. After extensive recuts (20 of them) to appease a group of soccer-moms with no knowledge of film study, Predator 2 is both lacking in imagination and luster. Its far too tame to work. Its like watching Volcano but with a Predator who's had his wings clipped by the MPAA. Its kinda just disappointingly boring. It still has its moments here and there. Bill Paxton is put in the role he's made for - the slick Lone Ranger who wears clothes that are too big for him. Glover is as Murtaughy as he can get. The opening action sequence is way stupid and fun. But then everything afterwards is a disappointment. If you like Predator and haven't seen P2, then it's a do. But even then it's a one-time view. There is no need to revisit this one folks.

A faceless board-room guy (probably the one that fired James Gunn) is also a tree-man, octopus, tarantula with very dubious motivations, but likely he's actually the ghost of Chalton Heston, arboriculturist. Slender Man the movie was doomed before it came out the gate. There is no way to pay this much fan service to the original creepy-pasta while trying to make a sensical story. Once you put Slender Man into an environment that must have some sort of back-story and character motivations and that old bummer, the Protagonist/Antagonist diatribe you've got no choice but to make your new horror icon look about as clever as the bird in the desk of The Wicker Man. The lighting is atrocious, the acting is middling, the writing is gadawful, and even the cat-stings are failed. It's like if someone hired the Asylum to helm their franchise hopeful. Yet beyond all that, there is some truly hilarious parts. There's a handful of lines that are so horrendously out-of-reality and out of place that you can be "that one guy" in the theater. Mash that up with two of the most hilarious "horror editing" (think The Ring) decisions and you have a great bad-movie.....almost. While there is a smattering of hilarity sprinkled throughout, Slender Man is just this side of fun. There's far too much loose dialogue and wandering around being annoyingly moronic to put this into a "do" category. Expect it to rear its head when it comes time for the Stinker Madness Achievements in Bad Film-Making Award (SMABFA) awards. If you can manage to sneak into a very empty (I mean you, and two other people) and can riff this one out-loud you might be in for a good time.

When you look up pretentious, self-obsessed, socially awful, and completely uninterested in benefiting mankind in anyway in the dictionary (you can look those terms up, right?) then you see a picture of the "brat pack" from this clinic in deplorability. I hate these people. Not one can be redeemed. Its horrifying how awful they are and how their awfulness is not the focus of the movie. This is one of those jobbers where people (who are just as awful) will say, "This is it. This shows the challenges of live after becoming a full adult and the struggle with transitioning between having no responsibilities and then suddenly thrust into the real world." No, this is just you being completely blind to how morally bankrupt these people are. ARRHSHSHGHGGH!!!!! 90% of the reason to show up for this is to see how shitty these people are and wonder why in the hell this movie was made (it serves 0 purpose). The other 5% is the random crap that Schumacher stuffs in behind the focal point of the POV. Weird clowns, puppets, a naked fat guy butt...etc. and then 5% of Judd Nelson and Rob Lowe completely flubbing their lines.  It's not a great time folks. Don't enter into this thinking you're about to have fun. You're left at the end with a horrible taste in your mouth and the unanswered question of why it exists. Enter only ye of the toughest of stomach-strength. You must be a level 12 Stinker Tourist.

We take one of the most beloved stinkers of the last decade and find a new reason to justify the entire plot - a rumble to the death over the most important theme of the 1980's - high fashion. Miami Connection is at the top of the list for most fans of crummy films and this is no accident. It's truly one of the most accessible bad movies of all time. Where some may struggle to view The Room and Fateful Findings there is something for everyone in YK Kim's masterpiece, especially those from the 80's or have 80's nostalgia. While those two items are helpful, they are not required. You can show this to just about anyone, from all ages and all walks of life. Then there's Dragon Sound. In the usual vein of films like this you might catch a glimpse of the amazing band playing in the background but Dragon Sound is front and center throughout with two entire songs played without break in music video format. With some of the worst lyrics ever put to film and "Against the Ninja" showcasing the plot verbatim, Dragon Sound is the most beautiful train wreck set to video. With a dubious plot (flushed out by us as about high fashion) you might get glued into the adventures of Dragon Sound and then nonsensical dialogue (at least the lines you can understand), but at the climatic scene you'll find yourselves inside of the hardest shift in direction of any film. Then last 20 minutes is a complete WTF as somehow YK Kim said to his cast-mates, "Hey, just go nuts" and they take it quite literally. In the end, Miami Connection just gets better and better with each view and isn't just a pretender. It's a glorious example of why people love crummy movies and will go down as a classic and Hall of Fame material. It's a true treasure. Thank you, YK!

This week we manage to not be able to view Miami Connection thanks to randy critters. So instead Sam and Justin discuss drinking children, seagulls, #goatpocalypse, Neil Breen's Twister Pair trailer, a new Great Superpower Debate, reviews of Transformations, Hologram Man, WuTang vs Ninja, and Sam invents a drunk game called "Who is THE GUY?"

We've got a monster-bud on our hands in the most notable work of Meatloaf's career. When the world's greatest hunter gets hired by a rich family to catch a yeti, he gets thwarted by a little girl whose clothes don't fit. Everyone is going to jail here. One might go into this thinking that you're about to be tortured for an hour and a half, ala Mac and Me, or C.H.O.M.P.S., well you're sorta right. This movie is as expected godawful, but somehow it dodges being in the bottom of the barrel. It manages to stay on target throughout the whole thing. There's no scene where the little girl and the monster bud go to school and crummy hijinx ensue. There's no scene where the monster bud destroys the whole house while riding a vacuum and chasing the dog. It steers clear of all the usual pitfalls that monster-bud movies fall into. Instead of where it typically could have gone, it is just a series of Meatloaf chasing a little girl holding the worst Furby prop for an hour and a half. There's a volley of crummy jokes here and there yet none are groin-worthy, they are just ignorable while you're riffing the film. It continually sets itself up throughout with some scattered big laugh moments (usually involving Meatloaf murdering a Francis (Pee Wee's Big Adventure) impersonator. There's some very strange decisions made and some LOL moments but in the end it's still not that fun. With that in mind though, it might be the best monster-bud movie we've ever reviewed. Enter at your own risk though.

Robert Mitchum's kid freelances his way into a "get the ninja tape" situation and into Janet's heart all while being WAY above the law and murdering many innocent people. Expect some shenanigans in this super-budget movie out of Indonesia. One of a kind in it's repetition and recurring themes, American Hunter (Lethal Hunter in Europe) is a classic super-budget action film with very poorly thought-out plot elements. Behold the final list of incredibly weird repeating onscreen events: 4 - The number of bad dives 4 - The number of times Janet gets kidnapped 3 - The number of times Jake survives after something that would kill anyone else 4 - The number of times someone shouts "Asshole!" right before killing someone 4 - The number of times a stunt car drives up and ramp and jumps 2 - Houses owned by the villain that are exploded by the villain 3 - Random species of critters the villain owns Then there's sweet sweet Janet. Poor Janet has been put through unholy hell. She loses her job, gets someones brains all over her face, kidnapped four times, crashed into a gas truck, her car destroyed, dropped from a helicopter, shot in the shoulder, had her neck shaved (?), and then married to a man who clearly doesn't care about whether she lives or dies. In typical 80's Indonesia tradition, life takes a backseat and no unions were involved in this wonderful little treat of garbage. How many stuntmen lost limbs or even their lives during the making of this? If you love dangerous stunts - you'll have a great time here.

The US Dept of Treasury hires an ATF agent and some "Army guys" to protect $600 million on its way to a giant paper shredder. Then some baddies try to steal it. Set to the backdrop of a physically impossible hurricane. The only thing in their way? A weatherman and is mechanic brother. Too early to whisper SMABFA? This movie is crap. Whether its enjoyable crap is a topic for debate, which we'll get into, but it's absolute crap. Fans of bad movies MUST see this film. It's astounding that we are still making screenplays that are this terrible. At no point did anyone bother to open a book to check out how hurricanes work. So the science is impossibly bad - like Armageddon bad. Yet, the science is not as bad as the plot. You guessed it, we're facing another round of the idiot plot. Both sides (good and bad guys) go out of their way to ensure the plot exists against their own interests. Stuff that next to atrocious dialogue such as: "I hate old money. Been up too many noses and down too many G-strings." So you've got the idiot plot, no knowledge of weather (or weather-men) and horrible dialogue and you've got the trifecta of awful screenplays. While all that is happening there is a ton of great bad action. In total the characters die thirteen times without dying. What do I mean? Well they get stuck in situations (sometimes put their on their own) that by the rules of the movie itself, would have killed the characters only to see them somehow survive via the power of jump cuts. It's absolutely unbelievable - especially when the weatherman and ATF agent get the mechanic killed by sucking him into the hurricane only to have the mechanic casually show up later in a fishing boat. Bonkers. While it's clearly going to be a SMABFA contender and one of the worst movies of the year, it's still not a great view. Necessary sure, but still not great. There's a lot of slow scenes and annoying backstory establishment (What the hell happened in Utah? Spoiler - you'll never know) that detract from the action. Look Twister suffers in the same way but we're carried through it by Paxton and Hunt and how they understand chemistry in acting. Maggie Grace and Toby Kebbell haven't figured out how that works. So don't expect anything great but you must at least check it out one time just to see that they are still making movies this bad.

Dwayne is back into being the charming, super-ripped, former Special Forces, who has more ability to punch a monster in the face than follow social norms. This time he's playing the role of 15th guy from the 4th level of the original video game. Plus 3 monsters destroy Chicago and Don Jr. makes his acting debut. Thanks to the incredibly bad decisions of corporate scientist CEOs (whatever that is), we are treated to three genetically mutated former critters that eventually get to big and start smashing crap. You can imagine what that's like. So let's talk about everything else. Dwayne is fantastic in his putting on a show. Ok, he's not exactly going to win any awards (probably ever) but he has pretty solid chemistry with something that doesn't exist. He's charming us while acting next to a not existent giant monster. Pretty solid stuff there. Monster design works. This walks that fine line between too much and too little creature design and showcasing them. They look great. Jake Lacy - wow. Absolutely steals the show away from Dwayne. His frat-boy, daddy paid my professors, CEO (see recent President's sons) performance is legit theater LOL worthy. He kills it. Too much exposition. Sadly the first half isn't a page turner. There's a sprinkle of good stuff here and there but to try to make some semblance of believability they thought they could cram in far too much backstory here and way to much science talk over here. None of it matters! We came to see monsters fighting The Rock. Just do that! However, for the most part, this film gets 90% of its popcorn-eating film genre work done well. Unfortunately, the draggy-ness of the exposition keeps it from being a fully enjoyable experience. With that all said, it's still clearly the best-made video game movie in history - which isn't really saying much.

Some people have no business making movies. Some people who have no business making movies REALLY have no business making animated movies. Foodfight! is a travesty. The UN should have sent inspectors into the production and placed sanctions against it. The Canadian Army should have liberated the people working on it from their captors. It's that bad. Ok, so we know it's really bad. The animation is atrocious and the jokes are cringe-worthy. That's all been said. Let's get into this a little deeper. Bestiality is prevalent. There are human people living inside the imaginary (maybe?) grocery store city. Several characters who are animals (specifically a chocolate squirrel) wants to bone down with these human women. S&M - The head of the SS of brand icons (yes that'a thing here) enjoys both giving pain and receiving it IN A SEXUAL MANNER IN A CHILDREN'S MOVIE! German Schizer Films - The same head of the SS at one point pees his pants and again enjoys it IN A SEXUAL MANNER IN A CHILDREN'S MOVIE! Many other characters get poop on them. Large amounts of cartoon poop. Some like it. Some don't but either way the movie repeats people getting pooped on again and again. Agism - The villain is eventually revealed to be a "recalled" product line because the mascot was old and ugly, so no one bought it. Instead they bought the products of the young and pretty Japanese cat-lady thing. If this was presented as a problem in society (ie, Barber dolls) that would be fine but it's encouraged! This is a horrible lesson for children. Weinsteinism - The villain sleeps her way to the top because of item #4. She gets cartoon plastic surgery, becomes a "hot" 3 inch tall human lady, and then screws all the members of the board of directors so that she can be in charge. This is NOT told as a villainous move, but a totally acceptable method of career climbing. "Sleep your way to the top girls! Your body is the only tool you have in life!" Disgusting. So it's horribly offensive for your eyeballs because of the animation but its more offensive and not for your children (unless you suck) than anything. Foodfight! is a human rights violation. Screw this movie. It should not be viewed by anyone.

Like that weird kid that doesn't look anything like his parents, you may be thinking he's a weirdo and should be avoided. But then you bump into him at the punch bowl and realize he's one cool dude. That's Deathstalker II. Once again, Jim Wynorski shows the world why he should be at the top of the list of directors who make budget films. While most similar directors are given a project like this and just crap it out for the paycheck (I'm talking to you, anyone who works for The Asylum) good ol' Jim is told to make a Conan-knockoff and then makes a buddy-copesque screwball comedy with lots of adventure and shenanigans. Jim is the DaVinci of crummy movies. Leads John Terlasky and Monique Gabrielle "shine" together in excellence of LOL acting. While John plays the smarmy Errol Flynn competently, Gabrielle gives us two different roles (one straight-laced Princess impostor, the other a way-over-the-top damsel) there is clear evidence that she is hamming one of them up. She's beautifully terrible as Reena the Seer, yet competent as Princess Evie. It's proof positive that she is intentionally acting poorly in her main role and kills it. SAG members couldn't act this bad if they tried and she is trying. It's an achievement and should be rewarded for the mastery of her stink. As usual, Jim pours on the gags and boobs (of which there are plenty), but showcases his giant brass ones in only his third film. There's slams on James Bond, Indiana Jones, Dino De Laurentiis, tropes of the genre, the fans of Deathstalker I, Roger Corman and anyone not savvy enough to pick up on these references. He's a fricking wizard with giant testes. Extra credit for including Mathilda the Hun from GLOW. Actually that's reason enough to give this movie an A+. Deathstalker II is a must do and likely "Year in Review" top 10 finalist.

Once upon a time, a teenage girl got some tampooooons thrown at her and a British dessert poured on her. Twenty-three years later, a teenage girl gets caught up in a web of consensual teenage sex and becomes the most popular girl. Thankfully "Teen Witch" only ditched her friends when her powers manifested. The Rage suffers from what we like to call "The Non-Existent Plot". The plot can't exist under the rules of the film itself - under scrutiny. At the same time, they manage to cram in the "Idiot Plot" as well. As one can predict the film attempts to follow the same lines of Carrie (1976) where a teenage girl with uncontrollable telekinesis is pushed to the edge and strikes back against those that are doing her harm. HOWEVER, this one falls flat on trying to make the audience identify and sympathize with the lead OR even the villains. There's laws that don't exist. People don't know how phones work. People don't know how crime works. People don't know how dogs work. It's an atrocious script written by "I don't know how people work" alum - Rafael Moreu (Hackers) and a flaming pile of garbage. While the plot is crap and the first 3/4 is a slow drag of watching mopey teenagers make out, the end (the unleashing of Carrie powers) is quite the baloney fest of fun. The way Carrie 2 murders all the teenagers, including a ROFL death for the eldest brother in Home Improvement, is an absolute blast and over-the-top dumb. It's a close call to recommend this because there's some fun and then too much smoochy-smoo teenage love (that is incredibly unrealistic). It's a 50/50 chance that you will enjoy this so that makes it a do-not from us.

With Jackie trapped inside a living hell called Winnemucca, Justin and Sam sit down to discuss everything martial arts. Inside we discuss our Top 5 Martial Art Movie Guys and then a look into The Sho Kosugi Ninja Theater with reviews of "The Dumb Boxer", "Ninja 8: Warrior on Fire" and "Ninja vs. Ninja". Plus we'll wrap up the tale of Gary Devore! Was he a spy? What did he know? We go into the possible cover-up into the death of one of the best crummy movie writers in film history.

Arguably the most unique of post-apocalyptic films and Cannon Group's darling, it's also one of the most under-rated budget films of history. This is a big deal folks and 2/3 Stinker Madness host's favorite b-movie. PA films commonly suffer from their own existence. Most only take place in a "nuked" world because, welll... the desert is just right there. So they shoot this crappy $0 action film in a post-apocalyptic world because it's super cheap to do. The world they live in isn't even the focus. Then tack on a bunch of b-movie tropes (cars with random crap bolted on it, skimpy lady outfits, the chef-d'œuvre usually in the form of a head coming off or exploding at some point) and you've just got a bunch of people chasing each other around in the dirt. Whoopee! America 3000 busts directly through all that, possibly accidentally, and tells a multi-layered, universe-driven story, where the focus is shifted away from giant radioactive cockroaches or Zardoz-like swinger communities, and into a world with deep political divides, GofT style conspiracies and plotting, societal conflicts and complications and humanitarian issues. All while fitting in a balding Sasquatch and a Hal Needham level of chaos battle-scene. Wait, did you say there is a Sasquatch in this movie? Yes, there is Aargh. Aargh the Awful, in fact. A character like Aargh in just about any other crappy film we cover would be the lone reason to show up. Yet this is more of a "all this stuff plus there is Aargh" type scenario. America 3000 is a missed treasure in film history on either side of the good/bad genre of film enjoyment and film study. It's competently made on a tight-budget with a beautifully deep story that is truly like an onion. The characters are endearing, the action is excellent (and dangerous), the comedy is solid, the music is amazing, and worth watching over and over again - if only to fully comprehend how complex the world-building is. It's like a 18 course meal fit for Georgie Porgie, finished with a Creme de Aaargh, the greatest freeze-frame/credits ever made. It's Justin and Sam's favorite bad movie of all time and sits squarely atop the "Bad Movie Hall of Fame" like a proud mutated Bigfoot man that loves rock n' roll. No greater thing can be enjoyed in the world. It's "hot plastic".

Steer clear of the police in Las Vegas in 1988 is the absolute message of this super-budget gem of a tough cop movie. Penalties for being alive are getting kicked in the face while walking down a hallway and being beat to death while sitting in a chair. Hawkeye (1988) is a film that does not showcase the talents of a guy with a bow and arrow. It instead showcases the talents of a guy who is not Eddie Murphy and a guy who likes his Guess Jeans butt a bit too much. The matchup of Chuck Jeffreys and George Chung is bad-movie comedy gold. They are ridiculous, horribly corrupt, and clueless in all aspects of life.  Yet despite being inept, corrupt, racist, torture approving, innocent person shooting/punching/kicking, "shit-packing", girlfriend neglecting, sons-of-bitches the pair of Wilson and Hawkamoto are an absolute blast to follow around in their awful policing. This is a must do.